


Cast Your Stones, Cast Your Judgement, You Don't Make Me Who I am

by brokencasbutt67



Category: Supernatural RPF
Genre: M/M, Rape, Self-Harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-08
Updated: 2017-04-14
Packaged: 2018-03-17 00:46:43
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 6
Words: 4,032
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3508868
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/brokencasbutt67/pseuds/brokencasbutt67
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Title is from 'Sometimes You're the hammer, sometimes you're the nail' by A Day to Remember. Follow me on Wattpad to find more of my works - brokencasbutt67</p>
    </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Title is from 'Sometimes You're the hammer, sometimes you're the nail' by A Day to Remember. Follow me on Wattpad to find more of my works - brokencasbutt67

Jensen _hated_ how he looked – the tiniest bit of fat that wouldn’t go no matter how hard he tried, the way his green eyes looked so dull, his bowlegs making him trip up so often. But when Jared met Jensen, Jared loved how Jensen had a physically attractive body that he didn’t need to work out for, he loved Jensen’s gorgeously green eyes and he loved how his bowlegs looked. But Jensen always disagreed with Jared on his looks. And that’s how it led to this – Jared was still on set filming the latest scene while Jensen was at home in their bathroom, sobbing at how pathetic he feels. He thinks Jared won’t be home for at least another hour, so he reaches up and grabs his blade. He looks at the scars on his thigh, remembering high school when he did them. The voices began tormenting him again, unconsciously; Jensen had cut his wrist again. He didn’t even know it as he collapsed to the floor, holding his head in his hands. More and more cuts appeared on his arms, droplets of blood creating trails down his arm. Jensen didn’t hear the door open, the voices were too loud. He didn’t hear Jared running up into their bedroom, the torments were too loud. He did hear Jared walk into the bathroom though, he heard Jared drop to his knees and hug him tightly.   
“Jen…” Jared muttered, lifting Jensen’s wrist so he was able to see the wounds. Jensen sobbed into Jared’s shoulder as Jared laid the blade onto the counter before lifting Jensen up. Jared carried Jensen out of the bathroom and into their bedroom, where he cleaned the wounds and covered them appropriately.   
“Jay…I-I’m sorry” Jensen apologised, attempting to bite back tears.   
“Don’t…don’t apologise…just tell me why” Jared said, wiping away Jensen’s tears.   
“I-I know it’s stupid…but I h-hate how I look” Jensen said, sobbing quietly. “I f-feel like I embarrass you…you are so handsome, tall and well…perfect and then people see you with this and…I don’t know” Jensen continued, signalling to his body.   
“Jen…I don’t care what other people think of me. You know why? Cos other people don’t make me. They can have their judgements, they can have their beliefs, but only me and you know the truth. I love you so much, everything from that one strand of hair which won’t flatten down all the way down to the ground you walk on. You are beautiful, in every way. And you need to see that too, so come with me and I will show you” Jared said, leading Jensen back into the bathroom, standing him in front of the mirror.   
“You have beautiful eyes” Jared said, staring into Jensen’s eyes in his reflection in the mirror.   
“Cute nose” Jared continued, pressing a kiss to Jensen’s nose.   
“Fucking perfect cheek bones” Jared added, kissing Jensen’s cheeks.   
“Amazing body” Jared said, pressing kisses to all of Jensen’s body.   
“Gorgeous legs” Jared continued, stroking Jensen’s legs.   
“You have a beautiful personality…and I love you Jensen” Jared said, lifting Jensen’s hand up.   
“I even love your hands” He said, kissing Jensen’s hands. Jared trailed kisses up Jensen’s arm, pressing softer, longer kisses over the scars.   
“And I won’t lose you…so I want you to promise me that you are going to try and stop self-harming. And if you feel the need to do it, tell me. I will come home, to you, and help you cope” Jared said, looking straight into Jensen’s eyes. Jensen nods but blushes before pressing a gentle kiss to Jared’s lips.   
“I’ll try” Jensen says, feeling Jared pick him up bridal style once again.   
“That’s enough for me” Jared said, laying Jensen on the bed.   
“And now we are gonna cuddle and sleep” Jared said, stripping himself. He handed Jensen a pair of boxers, which Jensen changed into before sliding under the covers. Jared slid in behind him before flicking the lamp off.   
“Beautiful” Jared muttered, wrapping a hand around Jensen’s waist. Jensen settled into Jared’s chest before feeling Jared fall asleep with a small smile on his face. As Jensen begins to fall asleep, a song lyric floats around his brain:   
‘cast your stones, cast your judgement, you don’t make me who I am’   
And it can’t have more meaning than it does right now.


	2. I said I'd never let you go, and I never did

On set weeks later, Misha was the first to notice the scars. He was filming a scene with Jensen where Dean and Castiel got into a vicious fight when he saw them. After they were finished filming, Misha walked over to where Jensen was stood against a wall.   
“Jensen…what’s that?” Misha asked, eyeing the wounds carefully.   
“Oh…um nothing” Jensen responded before walking into his private trailer which he shared with Jared.   
“Hey babe” Jared said from the sofa, half asleep still.   
“Hey” Jensen responded, changing out of the Dean - clothes into his own clothes before lying beside Jared. Looking over at Jared, Jensen thinks he is still asleep so he lifts his shirt and begins prodding at the small amount of fat that rests against his stomach. _Fat_ flies through his mind as he looks down at himself. Jensen stands up on weak legs and walks into the bathroom, where he closes the door but leaves it unlocked and looks at his reflection in the mirror. Make-up hid the bags under his eyes well, but not well enough. Jensen can clearly see the extent of the damage caused by his lack of sleep. The skin on his face is starting to turn a grey colour with each new day. Jensen might have promised to stop self-harming with a blade but he’s found a new way to harm himself without Jared even knowing it. A tear falls down Jensen’s face as he glares at himself. _Ugly_ Jensen thinks as he sees his reflection staring back at him with dull, lifeless green eyes. The door slid open behind him, revealing a worried looking Jared.   
“Jen…” Jared sighed, sounding relieved at finding Jensen.   
“What’s up Jensen?” Jared asked, rubbing his hands on the skin beneath Jensen’s t-shirt.   
“Nothin’” Jensen lied, Jared instantly knew it was a lie.  
“Tell me Jen, I’m here and staying, promise” Jared muttered, kissing Jensen’s neck softly.   
“You really want to know? Or are you just asking cos you feel some need to as my boyfriend?” Jensen asked, looking into Jared’s eyes in the reflection.   
“I want to know what’s upsetting the love of my life” Jared said, maintaining the eye contact.   
“Honestly?” Jensen asked, looking down at the floor.   
“I love you Jen…It hurts me when I see you upset…please talk to me” Jared pleaded, brushing Jensen’s hair with his fingers.   
“I…it’s gonna sound stupid when I tell you Jay, you’ll laugh” Jensen said, sadly.   
“Tell me Jen, no matter how stupid you think it is – I care and I definitely won’t laugh” Jared said, kissing Jensen’s cheek.   
“You remember a couple of weeks back? I had, y’know, and you found me. It’s the same reason…I hate how I look. All the way through life I’ve been called ugly, and fat, and every other insult under the sun…I don’t feel worthy of you. I feel like you’re just gonna leave me one day in the future Jay, and you’ll say it’s cos you don’t feel the same but I’ll know it’s cos of how I look” Jensen said sadly. Jared turned Jensen around and kissed him soft but passionate.   
“I love you Jen. I love every part of you so damn much. With a personality as beautiful as yours, looks don’t affect my love for you or decision when I ask you this” Jared said before going onto one knee. He pulled a small box out of his pocket and produced a ring, which he held up to Jensen.   
“Will you marry me?” Jared asked. Jensen was speechless, he nodded and slid to the floor in front of Jared and hugged him tightly. Jared rubbed his hand on Jensen’s back as Jensen slid the ring onto his finger. Jared wrapped Jensen’s legs around his waist before carrying him to their bed.   
“I said I'd never let you go, and I never did” Jared muttered as they lay down. On their first date as a couple Jared had promised to be there for Jensen through everything and he’s stuck to his promise through the course of their relationship. A song verse floats around Jensen’s brain as he falls asleep with Jared’s arm wrapped around him – the ring a symbol of how strong their love is.

Have faith in me   
Cause there are things that I've seen   
I don't believe   
So cling to what you know and never let go


	3. This is the first time in a long time that I've felt like coming home

Back on set weeks later, many cast and crew members were congratulating Jensen and Jared when it happened. They were filming a fight between Sam and Dean when Jared burst into tears and ran off of set, running back to his trailer. Everybody was confused. What had happened?

Jensen walked back to their trailer, confused. He opened the door and found Jared curled up on the large bed, facing away from the door. Jensen closed the door behind him and locked it before slipping out of his shoes and sliding onto the bed, beside Jared.  
“Jay, what’s wrong?” Jensen whispered, not wanting to break the silence.  
“I-I wish I could…want to…I don’t know” Jared stuttered, turning to face Jensen. Jensen connected his hand with Jared’s in between their bodies.  
“Playing Sam, it’s making me ill. I’ve not eaten properly in 3 days, just small snacks. I haven’t slept for a week” Jared mumbled, letting a tear fall.   
“Jay, you need to take care of yourself, even as you play Sam. They aren’t filming anymore for this week, something to do with not enough time to set up scenes. Plus there is the fact that Mark is ill. So we are going to spend the rest of this week helping you get better. We can sleep for now, and I’m going to make sure you eat properly tomorrow” Jensen says, curling protectively around Jared.   
“You’ll always be right where you want me to be” Jared mumbles, standing up to remove his clothes.  
“Yeah, promise” Jensen responds, sitting up. Jared hugs Jensen tightly, hiding his face in Jensen’s warm chest. Jensen gently strokes Jared’s hair,   
“I love you” Jared mumbled into Jensen’s chest.  
“I love you too Jay, so much” Jensen responded, kissing Jared’s cheek. Jensen slowly slipped his arms under Jared’s and stood him up.  
“Come on, shower?” Jensen muttered, pulling Jared towards the bathroom. Jared followed Jensen silently, removing the clothes. Jensen smiled slightly up at Jared, who closed the bathroom door behind him. Jared reaches over and turns the shower on, removing his boxer shorts. Jensen removes his own clothes, leaving them in a small pile in the corner.  
“You should fold them up” Jared sasses, earning a chuckle from Jensen. Jared steps into the shower, pulling Jensen in beside him. Jensen rests his head on Jared’s chest, feeling the blood from the latest scene wash away. Make up and fake blood flow down the drain as Jared gently washes soap across Jensen’s back.   
“Why don’t we go see your family Jay? We have a week off now, and we haven’t seen them for a while” Jensen asks, looking up at Jared.   
“Do you wanna? I don’t mind honestly, I’m just worried about Megan, you know what she’s like” Jared answers, resting his head on the top of Jensen’s head softly.  
“Ah I’ll be fine. I have you” Jensen responds, getting comfortable on Jared’s chest. The water is beating around them as Jensen reaches up and kisses Jared softly. Jared lets his hands slide to Jensen’s waist. 

The next morning, Jensen and Jared slid into Jensen’s truck and began driving back to San Antonio back to Jared’s home.   
“So, what do you think of this new ‘demon Dean’?” Jared asks as they pass highway signs.  
“It’s hard. He’s vicious and I’m not so I’m not that comfortable with it but I’ll do it for the fans” Jensen responds, turning the radio down.  
“It’s been so long since I’ve been back, I wonder if it’s still the same” Jared mutters, taking a drink from the bottle of water. Jared holds the bottle up to Jensen in an offer gesture. Jensen opens his mouth for Jared to pour some water into his mouth.   
“What do you think your parents are gonna say about us being engaged?” Jensen asked after he had drunk some water.  
“Hopefully they’ll be happy for us, but then I just worry about Megan” Jared responded, rubbing his hand over Jensen’s knee.  
“She’ll leave you alone, I’ll make sure of that” Jared mutters.  
“Thanks Jay, it means a lot” Jensen responds, rubbing his hand over Jared’s. As they drive, a song lyric floats through Jared’s brain:

I'm coming home for the bright lights  
And the long nights  
Driving around with your friends in your parents car.  
We're the ones who made it out  
We're the ones who they'll talk about


	4. And hey darling, I hope you're good tonight.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGERING - MENTIONS OF RAPE, ABUSE, BEATINGS. TAKE NOTICE AND READ AT OWN DISCRETION

Upon arrival at Jared’s parent’s house, they were met with Sharon hugging them tightly.  
“Hi mom” Jared says, watching as she hugs Jensen.  
“Hi son” She responds as she leaves go of Jensen.  
“Hi Jensen” She adds, watching as Jared wraps an arm around Jensen’s waist.  
“Megan has moved into her own home, finally. We’re going to see her later, would you like to join us?” Sharon asks, sitting at the table.  
“Erm, yeah sure I guess. Has she got a boyfriend yet or…?” Jared responds, trailing off.  
“Not that I know of, but don’t worry, she won’t touch Jensen” Sharon answers.  
“How long are you staying for?” She asks, seeing Jensen and Jared’s bags.  
“A few days, we have time off while they sort out the next few scripts and Mark isn’t well” Jensen responds.  
“Good” Sharon smiles, leading Jared and Jensen into the living room.  
“So, how are you boys?” She asks, smiling slightly.  
“We’re very good, in fact Jared has proposed to me recently” Jensen responds, smiling as Jared wraps an arm around him.  
“Really?” His mother asks, lifting Jensen’s hand.  
“Gerald get in here and see your son’s fiancé” Sharon shouts, smiling wider than ever. Gerald walked down the stairs into the living room, where he hugged Jared and Jensen tightly.  
“What time are we going to Meg’s?” Jared asks, wrapping his arms around Jensen and lifting him up.  
“Whenever you want. She said after 7 though, so you guys have 3 hours ish before we are gonna get ready to go” Sharon responds, watching as Jensen settles into Jared’s chest slightly.  
“Good” Jared responds, walking towards the door.  
“But for now, we need to sleep so see you in a bit” Jared answers before walking up the stairs into his old bedroom.  
“Hehe, where did you stash your porn as a kid?” Jensen asks, looking under Jared’s bed.  
“Ha, you won’t find it!” Jared responds, triumphantly.  
“You bet I will” Jensen says before lifting up Jared’s mattress.  
“Jackpot” Jensen shouts, pulling out the magazines from beneath the mattress.  
“Well I was a shit 15 year old. Plus I have something better than them now, I have you” Jared sasses, throwing the magazines into the bin and kissing Jensen passionately. Jensen moaned into the kiss, feeling Jared lifting him up as if he’s weightless. Jared carried Jensen across and laid him softly on the bed before kneeling over him, still kissing passionately. Eventually, they pulled away, both men weary, they still lay in a tight embrace on the bed though. Jared reached down and pulled the thin duvet over both of their bodies.  
“Sleep Jen” Jared mutters, wrapping an arm around Jensen’s waist. Jensen settled into Jared’s chest and felt warmth radiating through his body.

At some point later on during the afternoon, at around 5, Jensen wakes up and stays settled in Jared’s warm chest, content with life. He can see around Jared’s bedroom all of the signs that he was a well-educated, loved teenage – given exactly the opposite life Jensen had. In a way, Jensen thinks, it’s good that he acts. He can lie about his past to Jared, and Jared wont’ ever know, he thinks.  
“Jen” Jared mumbles, resting his head on Jensen’s shoulder.  
“Sleep babe” Jensen responds, kissing Jared softly.  
“Only if you do” Jared says, tightening his grip on Jensen. Jensen smiles weakly and sighs, turning in Jared’s embrace – barely holding back tears he didn’t even know were forming.  
“Jen, what’s wrong?” Jared asks, awoken from his sleep.  
“I-I’ve been lying to you for a while…my past. I said it was great, but it wasn’t – hic. M-my parents abused me, beat me, raped me” Jensen mutters, sobbing ungracefully into Jared’s muscled shoulder.  
“Hey Jen, that’s over now. Long over, I don’t care that you lied” Jared responds, kissing Jensen softly. “B-b-but I lied Jay, that’s bad” Jensen stutters. “I don’t see it as bad Jen, you weren’t comfortable with telling me so you didn’t and I don’t mind. So since you lacked it growing up, I assume, let’s cuddle” Jared responds, hugging Jensen tightly into his chest.  
  
A song lyric drifts through Jensen’s brain as he cuddles his lover:

  
_Well I need you here tonight,_   
_and I know that you don't wanna be leaving me_   
_Yeah, you want it, but I can't help it_   
_I just feel complete when you're by my side,_


	5. You Already Know What You Are

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> GRAPHIC RAPE MENTIONED. READ AT OWN DISCRETION.

A few hours later, they all packed into Jensen’s truck.   
“Which way is it?” Jensen asked as he turned the key.  
“Just head to the end of this street and turn left. She is no.67 Winchester Road” Sharon explains.  
“Wait, wow aha. Winchester” Jared chuckles, itching the back of his head, where his beanie is making his neck sweat. Jared’s father, Gerald, chuckled from the back of the truck but still rested his hand over Sharon’s.  
“So uh…how do I know Meg isn’t gonna try to hurt Jen?” Jared asked, turning to face Sharon and Gerald.  
“Well Jaybear, for one, we’re there and she knows that if she tries anything while either of us is there that she’ll be in deep trouble. And also, I’ve threatened to ring the police on your behalf about harassment with what she has done in the past and present” Gerald explains.  
“Right then” Jared responded, looking over to Jensen.

A few hours later, they were all relaxing on the sofa except for Jensen, who’d gone to use the bathroom and Meg, who’d gone at the same time as Jensen.  
“Jensen is taking his tine, isn’t he” Sharon asked, looking at her watch.  
“Now that you mention it, yeah, he has” Jared says, confused.  
“I’m gonna go see if he’s alright” Jared adds, before running out of the room. He could hear his sister moaning from a room, but Jensen wasn’t going to sleep with Meg, right?

Jared ran into the room and found Jensen, tied to the bed, practically sobbing with blood dripping from his head. He looked at Jensen’s body and saw red scratch marks covering his naked body. He also saw someone he used to call family riding his fiancé.  
“Meg. Get. The. Fuck. Off. Of. Him. Right. Now” Jared growled, clenching his fists. Meg merely smiled sweetly before grinding her hips once again.  
“Mom, can I have a hand please” Jared asked, barely holding his anger in. Gerald and Sharon could be heard running up the stairs and into the room.  
“Megan. Stop this right now, this is rape. If you don’t get off him right now, I’ll ring the police” Sharon said, also getting angrier. Megan, by this point had closed her eyes again, was moaning like the 5-dollar whore that she is. She moans particularly loudly as her orgasm washes over her, and Jared flips. He shoves her off of Jensen and onto the floor, growling like a feral animal. He reaches over and unties Jensen before hugging him so tightly he’s crushing Jensen. Jared leans down and kisses the top of Jensen’s head before lifting him up and carrying him through to the spare bedroom.  
  
Jensen sat wearily as Jared tossed him a pair of sweatpants and some boxer shorts that Meg had stolen from Jensen. Jensen quickly put them both on before walking over to Jared and wrapping his arms around his waist.   
“Hey” He mutters, rubbing small circles on Jared’s hipbones.  
“Hey” Jared responds before sobbing weakly into Jensen’s neck.  
“Hey hey hey, calm down Jay, I’m safe. I’m alright” Jensen muttered, stroking the back of Jared’s head. Jared weakly nodded and turned in Jensen’s embrace, hugging him tightly.   
“I love you babe, not her” Jensen said softly.   
“Jay…?” Meg said softly from the door, tear tracks on her face.  
“What?” Jared asked, angrily.   
“I want to apologise…” She tried, walking in.  
“Don’t you fucking dare come in here or I will hurt you” Jared threatened.  
“You know full well what you were doing and what you are. So don’t even bother” He growled, clenching his fists. Jensen reached down and lifted Jared’s fists, rubbing small, soothing circles over his knuckles.   
“I didn-” Meg cried cut off when Jared punched her, sending her flying out of the room.  
“Don’t fucking bother” He growled.  
“Jay…calm down” Jensen whispered, pulling Jared close.  
“Jen… she raped you” Jared said softly, dropping to his knees in front of Jensen. Jensen squatted to the same height and rested his hands on Jared’s shoulders.  
“And I am fine. Yeah, it’ll take a while to get over, but I have you, not her” Jensen said softly. Jared weakly nodded, tears falling from his eyes. Jensen reached up and brushed them away with his thumb, kissing Jared softly.   
“Jay?” Sharon says softly from the door.  
“Yeah?” Jared asks, going to stand up.  
“Your father wants to ring the police, did you want to?” She asked, looking in to the room. Jared looked into Jensen’s eyes for a moment before nodding. He stood up and held a hand out for Jensen, who took it and walked beside Jared down the stairs. Jared held Jensen close as they relaxed on the sofa, Jared's arms wrapped around Jensen's waist.  
  
"Hope it's all that you dreamt  
Cause once you got it your gonna get it  
You wont be leaving this"  Jared said as Meg looked over at Jensen, winking. A bruise was forming on her cheek where Jared had punched her. The police were on their way, Jared was feeling slightly more comfortable with that knowledge. 


	6. Chapter 6

Later that night, Jensen and Jared were laid in the bed from his high school years that was way too small for them. But it was perfect. The feel of Jensen’s arms wrapped tightly around Jared’s waist and Jensen’s head on his chest, it made Jared’s chest swell. He stroked his fingers through Jensen’s hair. The moon stood high in the sky, illuminating through the thin sliver of window that curtains just couldn’t cover, lighting their skin up in a way that couldn’t be matched up in Vancouver during filming. Jensen’s snoring was the only sound in the room, followed by the sound of Gerald snoring loudly. Jared chuckled and smiled as Jensen burrowed closer to his chest and shivered, wrapping the blanket tighter around them. Jared’s legs hung over the foot of the bed, and Jensen was curled up to stay covered, but it didn’t matter. They were together. And in a world where judgements mean everything to people, that was more than enough for both Jensen and Jared. They both had a troubled past, but they worked together to have a better future together, as lovers, friends and co-stars.

Jensen was finally able to sleep peacefully, knowing he had someone by his side to help him overcome the comments and remarks made by people who had never lived a life like his. Jared was more than willing to help, as long as he could keep the ring on Jensen’s finger shining in the moonlight.


End file.
